I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I may be depressed. Like, really depressed. Clinicly depressed. I mean, at other times in my life, I thought I might be depressed for some reason or another, but this time...its different. Its hard to describe. I was sitting in my truck yesterday at Sonic waiting for my ice cream and I just sat there...and I just turned down the radio and sat there...and I swear to God I could feel it. I know that you can't actually "feel" depression, but I did. I felt it all over and in my bones. It's just...I don't know how to put it into words. The only word that comes to my mind is...lissless. Not sure if that's even a word or if it is, if it's the proper spelling. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. My dad has even said "you haven't been the same since you came back." He says I don't talk as much. I'm just not alive anymore. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I can't even drag myself to the gym anymore. The closest i've come...I got dressed...got in the truck...drove to the gym, found great parking...but I couldn't go in. I just sat there and had a battle with myself in my mind...and so I just drove back home. It was the most insane thing.

I just feel dead. And it scares me. I feel like I have nothing. I don't like waking up and getting dressed. It's a battle everday. It's a battle to get in the shower. I just don't want to do anything. I have no motivation. I'm just blah. I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to be around people. And I don't want to be alone. But I am alone. I feel really alone.

And I find myself acting...like acting excited...acting alive really. Because inside, I have nothing. I don't even look myself in the eyes anymore. I can't. Because when I do, it scares me. I see nothing. They are empty and they are sad. And that's the only emotion I can feel. Just sadness. Deep, down in the pit of my stomach so precise and piercing that it hurts...it burns through me.

I'm afraid I may be lost.
And I'm scared.

Boy howdy, I'm gonna be one busy lady. I got(I realize that's not gramatically correct) tons of books I want to read. Here is my reading list so far in the order in which I plan to read.

A Million Little Pieces by James Frey(I'm almost done!)

The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand

Tao Te Ching by Stephen Mitchell

Men In Black: How the Supreme Court is destroying America by Mark R. Levin

How to talk to a liberal(If you must): The world according to Ann Coulter by Ann Coulter

Condi vs. Hilary: The next great Presidential race by Dick Morris

The Tipping Point: How the little things can make a big difference by Malcom Gladwell

Do As I Say(not as I do): Profiles in liberal hypocrisy by Peter Schweizer

I'll leave you with this poem I wrote.

I'm inside of me,
The layers are cold.
I'm covered in stories,
Lies I've never told.

The layers are untouched,
They belong to me.
Nobody will ever know,
No one can ever see.

I sift through the rubble,
And find a dry place to stay.
It's pouring inside,
But I find a place I can lay.

I close my eyes,
And give into the black.
There is nothing in sight,
Except a big, gaping lack.

This feeling is undescribable.

There are no words.

Just confusion.

I'm not so sure what I'm gonna say here, but be prepared...this probably doesn't lead to any point.

Fate. My favorite thing to think about.

Sometimes I can lay in bed for hours when I know that I need to sleep. When I know that I have to be up in less than 5 hours. And I just think. Most of all, I think about why certain people I know or have met and myself have what we have. We all have vices. We all have heartbreak...we all have such shitty things placed in our lives and I can't help but to wonder why. I wonder why things turn out the way they do. I wonder...

The only thing that really has a point in life is life. All of this all leads up to one day. Death. The day we die.

So what is all of this for? To cleanse us for the next life, yeah. But is that it? Maybe I am a better person for all of this shit I've been put through. Maybe other people are too. But what I don't understand is, once you learn a lesson, why must you be put through the same shit over and over, learning the same damn lesson?

And I've really thought about it. I've looked from every angle that is possible for me and there is nothing else to take from it. I know that it's the same thing I'm learning. But why oh why must it be stretched out. A sort of chronic pain, if you will.

Chronic heartbreak is the worst. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying it.

I'm not blind to the world...it's just that my mind makes me oblivious. And that's not the same thing.

RANDOM THOUGHT OF TODAY: It really sucks that for everything bad thing you think about someone else, for every torture that you think they put you through...you're never right because they are thinking a lot of bad shit about you too...

And maybe you're right...maybe if people really did know the truth they wouldn't like me at all. And I'd like to say that I don't give a shit, but I really do.

A lot more than I should.

I apologize in advance. Once more, I must complain about my "father" before I blow a gasket.

I would like to start off by saying FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. Oh...did I say FUCK YOU?

Ok, so this is how it is. He was the guy with the sperm who brought me into this world...and for that, I love him. BUT why the fuck...I honestly don't understand why anyone would reproduce with this man. I have never in my life met a bigger asshole. And I've met a lot. He is just the hugest ass ever. I cannot even put it into words.

I can't even believe that you could honestly sit there and tell me to worry about how God sees me. How does God see YOU?

Because I can tell you how I see you.

One bias motherfucker. Self-centered. Egotistical. Judgmental. Not tolerant. With somethings, just a downright fucking idiot. Shallower than a teaspoon of water. HYPOCRITICAL to the max. Religious in the most UNreligious way.

Words cannot describe how much I resent you.
I can barely stand to be around you.

And for all of this, I feel guilty.
Words can't describe the feeling.
Someone who has given me some great material things...

But that's all they are. Material. Surface.

And underneath this surface, there is fire.
And I love you because you helped create me. But you are still my number 3 parent because any love beyond that has to be earned. And Ken is above you.
And if I was a cold-hearted, selfish bitch I would put you in your place and tell you that KEN is my dad.
You are just my father.

You can take no credit in my upbringing because you weren't there.

And the worst part is, you are so clouded by your massive head and ego that you see none of it.

AND, for all of this.
For all of these feelings.
I'm sorrier than you can imagine.