When O when will the world stop spinning?

There is so much that I need to work on. This is a disease and it's taking over my life. I'm trying to grab hold of it, but this seemingly impossible curse is getting worse(no rhyme intended).

It's a work in progress. I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm very cranky right now, so watch the fuck out.

I fucking hate Vegas and I hate Walmart and I hate having to drive around in the ghetto trying to find bullshit places and getting lost.

I have never/will never think about committing suicide. I'm sorry to those people who have thought about it/tried it/did it, but that's not me and it will never be me.

I don't like it when people I don't know try to know me to the point where they think they can speak to me like we've been friends for years. My friends and family barely know me, so please don't pretend you do.

If I have to hear that polka sounding shit music until 12:30 banging in the streets one more night, I'm going to stab my neighbors. On a Tuesday night, people have shit to do the next day, so be respectful and play your noise during the daytime. Inconsiderate motherfuckers.

I hate when people rely on me to do their shit. If you want to know something, FIND IT OUT. Don't come to me because I have my own shit to think about. Pick up the fucking phone and make your own calls. Last time I checked, you're not handicap.

When I don't answer the first time, don't call 3490348 times. If I'm sleeping, don't walk around the house screaming my name. This house is less than 1000 square feet...I'M NOT ANSWERING FOR A REASON.

If the phone rings, there is this thing called taking a message. Don't wake me up to talk to a some lady from the bank who wants me to take some poll.

Homeless people do not need to walk 6 inches from my door, dirty, diragnged and scary with their shopping cart and look in my car window at me. Something like 75% of homeless people have mental illnesses. That's scary. So, if you are ever homeless please don't give me a panic attack. If I was homeless and crazy, I'd crawl up in a big, dark whole and die.

IM SO FUCKING ANGRY, PISSED AND STRESSED OUT.
FUCK ALL YOU FUCKBAGS.

Sometimes I feel really horrible because I have these thoughts. I think sometimes it would be easier to not have any family. To have been orphaned or have jerk parents who take off and make you fend for yourself. I see those families on TV that are so close and they communicate and they care. Well I don't have that. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying that I don't have that. But at the same time, they are not the opposite of that. They stuck around(well, most) and we are surface close. So I don't have the great family relationships that you see and dream about, but I don't have the really bad either. I'm stuck somewhere between surface caring and time.

And so sometimes I have these thoughts...that I want all or nothing at all. But it's too late for all of that. And now that they are here half ass...it's like I'm the caring family memeber...the only one. So I really care about them...but they don't feel the same. So I have made the close attachement, but I get none of those advantages.

And sometimes I want nothing to do with any of it. Again, I'm not complaining because in the great scheme of things, I have it better than a lot of people. But no matter what, I still feel this way.

I know who I wanna be and how I wanna live and this isn't it.

I really don't know what to say anymore, but there is so much. I just wish I could put people in my head and have them see what I see, how I see it and have everything be okay.

Since I can't do that...I dunno.

I get in my truck and I drive. I don't know where, I don't know why, but I get in my truck and I drive. The road is straight, long and empty. The speed limit is 55. I reach 60 easy. I barely feel it. I drive and I sing. Drive harder, sing louder. I look down and I'm going 80. The road is still straight, it's still empty and the speed limit is still 55. I'm going close to 90. Speeding by things so fast I barely see them. It's dark and the lights on the side of the road blend into one long stream of light. I see nothing but the long streams of lights from the side of the road and from the cars on the other side of the road. The steering wheel is shaking. The light ahead is turning red and I have to turn. I stop, I signal, I turn left. I turn right. I punch in the gate code. I turn left. I curve right. I turn right, hit the garage door opener and turn left into the left spot. I turn off the car and I sit. I sit for 10 minutes. The garage door is still open and it's still dark. I restart my truck and I backout. I hit the garage door opener. I turn left, curve left, turn right and wait for gate to open. It opens and I drive straight through. Take a left, then a right at the light.

The road is straight, long and empty. The speed limit is 55.

So this is what it feels like to die...