Here it is. Take it for what it is.

This is just what I need to say...

People come to me for advise all the time and it really is quite an honor. People trusting me that much and wanting my two cents is great. I love it. And I am thankful.

But when I give advise, I never say "you should be able to..." or anything along those lines. I never make anyone feel like shit for needing my help or help at all. I never make them feel like shit because they have this problem in the first place. That is not helpful. At all.

So how is it that the one time I open up...I straight up tell two people the hardest, scariest thing I've ever told anyone...maybe it doesn't seem that serious...but I was literally shaking...I say the hardest thing...I expose myself...and I give it straight...all my fears...all that I'm feeling.

I was 100 percent honest for the first time in my life probably.

And I get "you've given up..." and "its mind over matter"...I get that bullshit?

You know, sometimes problems really are problems...and maybe thinking I have a chance would help, but some things cannot be solved internally...

And by saying that...I feel more like shit for being weak and not being able to solve things internally.

And that's really not what I need...to be disgusted with myself more than I already am.

I haven't looked myself in the eyes in over two months. Just because you have doesn't mean you know.

Today was day 1.

And already it was hard. But dealing with raw, whole chickens yesterday and having to use such force that the bones on their poor little legs chip off and they start bleeding on you...it was all very barbaric to me.

I was thinking about trying before and I've decided(well, I decided yesterday) that now is the time.

TODAY was pretty cool. 1 day down, God knows how many to come.

I'll let you know how it's going.

It's wierd how you can forget about everyone in the past when you meet someone new.

I was starting to forget how this feels.

It's nice to feel alive again.

Love isn't a contract. It's not about "she's young and thin, but bitchy but that's ok because she's young and I'm old, but rich, so it's a fair trade off."
Love isn't a bargain.
Love is raw and uncontainable feelings you have for somebody so deep and intense that you don't know if you're about to die or if you are truly alive. Love isn't a concept. Love isn't anything. Love is love. And when it's real, it's not based on looks, age, wealth or anything external...it's based on what's inside a person and a person's actions that make you know that it's torture to live without them.

Love and vanity should not be allowed to exist in the same language. It's when you mix the two together you have confusion and false love that leads to unhappiness. Love can only have a base internally. Love's base is like roots...they grow deep down below the surface, out of the sunlight and you cannot see them, but without them, the tree dies and so does love.