After all this time, I have found the key to my UNhappiness. It's so simple. It just took the right question by the right mind...mine...ahaha. Who says talking to yourself gets you nowhere?

And here it is: I care more than the average person. I care too much. And I'm not trying to sound stuck up, but honestly it's the truth. People fascinate me. I like to know about all the little shit. I care about all of the little shit that most people don't ever think about. That's just a part of me. I'm dangerously soft on the inside...and I care too much.

Although I know that people don't care as much as me and that that's normal, I can't except it. When I talk to people...people close to me...family, friends, etc and they don't care about my little shit, I interpret that as not caring at all. I realize that in general, they care about me, but can they really care that much if they don't care about the little shit? Because isn't it the little shit that really matters the most...that makes us uniquely who we really are? We are all made up of our little shit...little different pieces of our existence that make up who we really are...right? Aren't we all just made up of that little shit that nobody cares about? We are all headed to hell in a handbasket. In my opinion, the important things about people are the little shit. That's what makes us wholly unique...but nobody cares.

We are constantly missing the essense of all the people we know and love...doen't that make you sad??

Though it is impossible to ever really know anybody...NOBODY EVEN PARTIALLY KNOWS ANYONE. Not really.

And this, more than anything else, makes me unhappy. It makes me sadder than death, hurricanes, natural disasters, terrorism and Hilary Clinton all put together(and that's a LOT). Why? Because dying is natural. We can't help it...it's just a part of life. BUT...what's worse than all of that...we are all either dead or dying on the inside. In 18 years, I think I've met maybe one person who is actually alive...and that's more depressing than all of the natural death and bad politics in the fast growing, decadent world.

If I were you, I'd grab somebody and hold onto them tightly because it's all downhill from here and we are falling so fast it's scary.

This is a little something I like to call...Which is worse?

A false sense of secruity or a false sense of happiness?

5 minutes of great or a lifetime of just ok?

Being dead on the inside or being dead on the outside?

Living in fear or loving in fear?

Being physically restrained or being mentally restrained?

Dying in vain or living in vain?

Living unhappy or dying unhappy?

Being ignorant and live in bliss or understand and live in greif?

America. The land of the free.

More like the land of the ignorant. And I no longer have any sympathy. Sure, if you were born on the streets, never had the chance to go to school and were raised in a barn...ok, I understand.

Ignorance because you're lazy...NOT...I reapeat...NOT acceptable. Sure, you can never know everything about everything...or maybe even something about everything...I understand that it's unrealistic...BUT there is no excuse for ignorance due to laziness. Or ignorance in general. HERE is why. If you don't know anything about something, you should probably keep your mouth shut...what a novel idea!! People who talk out of their asses should be shot in the ass and forced to stand until they heal. If you want to discuss something that you know nothing about...READ...LEARN...THEN SPEAK. It's really like they say, opinions are like assholes..everyone has one. I want support, some evidence, proof, etc...please give me something. Don't say to me Hilary Clinton should be President and that she should be respected JUST BECAUSE...please, please, please tell me something that's not bias...or not your bias.

Don't try and spoon feed me or anyone else your opinions...we were all born with brains...OUR VERY OWN BRAINS...how about that? Please don't add to the mental dependency of this country.

Don't let someone else make up your mind...please please please make up your own mind...keep in mind that EVERYONE has a bias...nothing in this world is unbias...BUT keep in mind that just because everything you read and hear has somewhat of a bias doesn't mean that you can't think for yourself...

FREE YOUR MIND...FREE THIS WORLD OF IGNORANCE.

thankyouverymuch.

I've noticed that the more I write, the more meaningless the words become. And when you think about it, words mean nothing. Words are just a bunch of letters that we interpret the way we want.

But damn do they feel good.

Better to suffer? You be the judge and I'll let you decide.

Who am I to say goodbye?
Who are you to say hello?
Words mean nothing.

Greetings are pointless.
Leaving takes too long.

Can we not just sit?
Let our actions do our speaking?

A bolt of lightning,
The clash of friction,
The ping of regret.
Loss of innocence is in the air.

A thick air that's hard to breathe,
I gasp for air, I grasp at life.

The storm settles,
The air spreads thin.

I can finally breathe,
The worst kind of relief.
A room has never been so empty.

10-17-05

There are so many things on my mind right now, I don't even know where to start. Well, I can't really start from the beginning, so I'll just start from somewhere in the middle...or maybe it's closer to the end.

Everything is apparent through the words of other people. It was 3 in the morning and I couldn't sleep. I went in search of something to do. TV is no good at 3 in the morning. Cable or no cable, it's all re runs of the same shows theyve been shoving down our throats during "normal" hours of the day. So I grab a book. Any book will do. Franz Kafka...the first book I grab. What an awesome guy. The Metamorphosis...I'm sold!

I really think it would benifit our society if everyone read that story once a month. That is, without a doubt, the scariest account of real life. Now, I know he turns into a bug and that is not real, but the story, the feelings, the alienation...that is all real. We do it everyday. This is it...LIFE...at its worst. We all read this and say to ourselves "How could his family do this to him? I could never do that." But the reality is, we all do. Everyday. We say that this story is fiction...but it's really not. It's society at its worst...under the microscope of fiction. But it's real.

Now here's my point...we are living in a material world and I am a material girl. Not saying that to be funny. It's true. Even the best, most generous/modest person has material needs. We all do. We are living in a society that becomes more decadent as the minutes pass and not only do we not see it...even if we did, what can we really do? Ahaha...THIS IS WHERE WE MAKE IT COUNT.

Think to yourself..."If I die tomorrow, am I really happy with what I left behind?" Did you make a difference at all? Did you leave an impression on anyone and, if so, was it a good one?

My challenge to you: Make everyday count. Go out of your way to be nice to someone you normally wouldn't. Befriend someone you dislike for no reason and find out if you should really dislike them. Don't judge every book by its cover.

I'm not saying be Mother Theresa. But at the end of my life, when I'm standing at the pearly gates of heaven and God shows me his running total of my life...I want the good list to be 500 times longer than the bad. I want Him to smile at me and say "Welcome home."

Because, in the end, it still holds true...there really is no place like home.