There's a wierd clarity that comes from being confused. I'm not taking that thought anywhere, I just thought I'd throw that out there.

That being said, I want to share something I've learned. If you are never going to be honest with anyone in the whole entire world, be honest with yourself. It's a lot harder than it sounds, but it's really crucial, I believe, to mental health. There is nothing worse than a liar...except a person who lies to themself. I can't even explain the ways that I've been freed through learning this lesson.

You know, because at the end of the day, it doesn't matter how many friends you have, how great of a person you're married to...when you lay down in your bed or wherever you sleep...the only person you have is you...and I really believe that. So what I'm saying is if you can't live with yourself because you're just a big, lying bastard, what kind of life can you really have?

Lie to everyone else if you must, but never lie to yourself because that's what gets you lost. And there is a really big world out there to get lost in...so watch out.

I wanna write a poem,
So precise it makes you weep.
One that speaks for itself,
One that won't let you sleep.

And if only I could accomplish,
The art of self-expression.
I always say the opposite,
It's a horrible repression.

If I could say just what I feel,
Instead of running scared.
Maybe I could feel at ease,
Maybe I could feel prepared.

I guess this is the hardest thing,
Living a big what if.
I'm standing here at the end of my rope,
Ready to jump off this cliff.

I don't post lyrics.

That being said...I am going to. This song is saving my life.

La familia

Hey friends don't you think you better cool it down
You're always gettin' curious and leavin' town
You know i like it being in your family
I wonder what would happen if nobody left
We'd all stick around if we'd all stick around

And here's a question that's been tested:
Tell me, if we sleep together
Would it make it any better?
If we sleep together
Would you be my friend forever?

If we sleep together
Would it make it any better?
If we sleep together
Would you be my friend?

Hey friend listen up their playing our song
On the radio, do you have to go?
I really like it, this rock and roll
Makes me want a little sugar in my bowl
It's like the glory days, it's like a fortune sold

And here's a question that's been tested:
Tell me, if we sleep together
Would it make it any better?
If we sleep together
Would you be my friend forever?

If we sleep together
Would it make it any better?
If we sleep together
Would you be my friend?

Let's none of us forget about who we are
So choose a path and follow it
Take a pill and swallow it
None of us forget about who we are
It's not forever we can fool around in the dark

If we sleep together
Would it make it any better?
If we sleep together
Would you be my friend forever?

If we sleep together
Would it make it any better?
If we sleep together
Would you be my friend forever?

Today I decided that the sexiest thing a guy can do is hold open the door.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I may be depressed. Like, really depressed. Clinicly depressed. I mean, at other times in my life, I thought I might be depressed for some reason or another, but this time...its different. Its hard to describe. I was sitting in my truck yesterday at Sonic waiting for my ice cream and I just sat there...and I just turned down the radio and sat there...and I swear to God I could feel it. I know that you can't actually "feel" depression, but I did. I felt it all over and in my bones. It's just...I don't know how to put it into words. The only word that comes to my mind is...lissless. Not sure if that's even a word or if it is, if it's the proper spelling. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. My dad has even said "you haven't been the same since you came back." He says I don't talk as much. I'm just not alive anymore. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I can't even drag myself to the gym anymore. The closest i've come...I got dressed...got in the truck...drove to the gym, found great parking...but I couldn't go in. I just sat there and had a battle with myself in my mind...and so I just drove back home. It was the most insane thing.

I just feel dead. And it scares me. I feel like I have nothing. I don't like waking up and getting dressed. It's a battle everday. It's a battle to get in the shower. I just don't want to do anything. I have no motivation. I'm just blah. I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to be around people. And I don't want to be alone. But I am alone. I feel really alone.

And I find myself acting...like acting excited...acting alive really. Because inside, I have nothing. I don't even look myself in the eyes anymore. I can't. Because when I do, it scares me. I see nothing. They are empty and they are sad. And that's the only emotion I can feel. Just sadness. Deep, down in the pit of my stomach so precise and piercing that it hurts...it burns through me.

I'm afraid I may be lost.
And I'm scared.