I'm not so sure what I'm gonna say here, but be prepared...this probably doesn't lead to any point.

Fate. My favorite thing to think about.

Sometimes I can lay in bed for hours when I know that I need to sleep. When I know that I have to be up in less than 5 hours. And I just think. Most of all, I think about why certain people I know or have met and myself have what we have. We all have vices. We all have heartbreak...we all have such shitty things placed in our lives and I can't help but to wonder why. I wonder why things turn out the way they do. I wonder...

The only thing that really has a point in life is life. All of this all leads up to one day. Death. The day we die.

So what is all of this for? To cleanse us for the next life, yeah. But is that it? Maybe I am a better person for all of this shit I've been put through. Maybe other people are too. But what I don't understand is, once you learn a lesson, why must you be put through the same shit over and over, learning the same damn lesson?

And I've really thought about it. I've looked from every angle that is possible for me and there is nothing else to take from it. I know that it's the same thing I'm learning. But why oh why must it be stretched out. A sort of chronic pain, if you will.

Chronic heartbreak is the worst. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying it.

I'm not blind to the world...it's just that my mind makes me oblivious. And that's not the same thing.

RANDOM THOUGHT OF TODAY: It really sucks that for everything bad thing you think about someone else, for every torture that you think they put you through...you're never right because they are thinking a lot of bad shit about you too...

And maybe you're right...maybe if people really did know the truth they wouldn't like me at all. And I'd like to say that I don't give a shit, but I really do.

A lot more than I should.

I apologize in advance. Once more, I must complain about my "father" before I blow a gasket.

I would like to start off by saying FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. Oh...did I say FUCK YOU?

Ok, so this is how it is. He was the guy with the sperm who brought me into this world...and for that, I love him. BUT why the fuck...I honestly don't understand why anyone would reproduce with this man. I have never in my life met a bigger asshole. And I've met a lot. He is just the hugest ass ever. I cannot even put it into words.

I can't even believe that you could honestly sit there and tell me to worry about how God sees me. How does God see YOU?

Because I can tell you how I see you.

One bias motherfucker. Self-centered. Egotistical. Judgmental. Not tolerant. With somethings, just a downright fucking idiot. Shallower than a teaspoon of water. HYPOCRITICAL to the max. Religious in the most UNreligious way.

Words cannot describe how much I resent you.
I can barely stand to be around you.

And for all of this, I feel guilty.
Words can't describe the feeling.
Someone who has given me some great material things...

But that's all they are. Material. Surface.

And underneath this surface, there is fire.
And I love you because you helped create me. But you are still my number 3 parent because any love beyond that has to be earned. And Ken is above you.
And if I was a cold-hearted, selfish bitch I would put you in your place and tell you that KEN is my dad.
You are just my father.

You can take no credit in my upbringing because you weren't there.

And the worst part is, you are so clouded by your massive head and ego that you see none of it.

AND, for all of this.
For all of these feelings.
I'm sorrier than you can imagine.

DISCLAIMER: This post will most likely be pointless.

Just a few things I feel like saying.
1) People who breathe really heavy for no good reason(i.e. you're not sick and don't have a stuffed up nose) annoy the living day lights out of me.

2) People who don't know how to eat like a civillized human being should be kicked. Eat with your fingers when you are alone. Smack your food...NEVER. Where I came from, if you smacked your food, you got smacked. Not the best way to learn, but atleast I don't smack my food...holy crap.

NOW ON TO BETTER STUFF...sorta.

I was thinking about movies...well...because I love movies and they are my life. And it's really hard to narrow down favorites. So, since I have time on my hands...here are my top 10 favorite movies as of right now.

Honorable Mention:
Amelie- Very clever and funny.
Rocky 1, 2 and 3- Some of the best movies ever. There is no better guy than Rocky.
Taxi Driver- I love, love, love it! Too bad I have no room on my list.

10. Showgirls (So horribly bad that I can't help but to love it)
9. Superstar (I've never laughed harder)
8. The Notebook (If you don't love this, you don't have a heart)
7. American Beauty (It's in the title)
6. The Butterfly Effect (Ashton sucks in everything but this. Truly amazing stuff)
5. Boys Don't Cry (A-mazing. I love wierd love stories)
4. Kill Bill (If you haven't seen Kill Bill...I have no words for you)
3. Monster (Christina Ricci plus wierd love plus true story about a hooker= One of the best movies ever)
2. Forrest Gump (Was there ever any doubt?)
1. Edward Scissorhands (Duh. Tim Burton is a genious)

ALL OF THIS IS SUBJECT TO CHANGE. Sooner rather than later.

Going along with movies, I will now attempt to narrow down my favorite actors and actresses. This is REALLY HARD.

ACTORS:
5. Matthew Broderick (The guy is just a huge pimp)
4. Johnny Depp (If all he ever did was Edward Scissorhands, he'd still make my list. The greatest character actor ever)
3. Kevin Spacey (Not only is he a great actor and very entertaining, but he is cute as hell)
2. Robert De Niro (Raging Bull, Taxi Driver, Deer Hunter, The Godfather, Meet the Parents/Fockers...this guy can do it all. And holy crap he was the best looking guy I've ever seen when he was younger...seriously. What a hottie)
1. Jim Carey (One of the funniest people ever. I will see anything with him in it)

ACTRESSES:
5. Kristen Bell (It's kinda naive to put her on here, but Veronica Mars is amazing and I loved Reefer Madness)
4. Sarah Jessica Parker (Thank you for one of the best shows EVER...holy crap Sex and the City)
3. Julianne Moore (I hear she's biotch in real life, but I definitely still love her)
2. Sandra Bullock (This chick is HILARIOUS and not a bitch. I appreciate that)
1. Christina Ricci (No suprise there. She's got mad skillz...haha)

And lastly, just for grins, here are some songs that I can't stay away from.

Black horse and the cherry tree- KT Tunstall (thank you very much Rena )
Stay with me- Finch
She says- Howie Day (*ACOUSTIC goodness*)
In the rough- Anna Nalick (LOVE IT)
These words- Natasha Bedingfield (This song is forever)

If you actually read all of this, thanks and I hope you enjoyed my boredum!

Not that I'm turning into a hopeless romantic or that I even fully believe that being "in love" is more than a trick your brain plays on you, but I have been thinking about love a lot lately.



I do think that love is real. In fact, I know it's real because I feel it. I love my mom more than anyone. I love my friends. Love is real. This I know.

But to spend the rest of your life with one person...sure that takes love. It takes that infatuation you feel at first when everything is exciting. But when that fades, what are you left with? The true meaning of friends with benefits. You love that person...and it's a different kind of love, but "in love" fades. Looks fade. Everything surface fades and you are left with the person. Not the flesh. The person trapped under all of that flesh. Skin, hair, blood, bones...in a way, all of that is only material. Like a car or a house. At some point, you stop having sex. And I think that is the break in a lot of relationships.

Yeah, she/he was hot. You loved having sex with her/him. But then you hit that mid life crisis and realize that gravity is taking hold and all the things that used to point up, point down. Then what?

Basically the whole point of this entry is, the more I think about it, the more hopeful I become. And now that I think about it, I'm not really sure why.

I've met a man(shocked?) who understands that. And that gives me hope that there might be another one out there like that.

And I've also realized that there are qualities that you can settle on...like I like dark hair...but if a blond came along...those are the things you settle on.

But in that same respect, I've learned that I can never settle on someone who doesn't have the same mind set as me.

And I have faith, that when he comes along, I'll have the sense to realize it. And in a way, that puts me strangely at ease.

Then again, I'm only 18. HA.

In a life that's filled with so much unknown, it's really important to grasp what you do know and not let go of it. Even if all you know is your name, that's something.

This is what I know:

I live in Las Vegas.
The only thing I want to do in life is write.
I'm horrible at expressing myself.
There are two people in this world that I cannot live without(not physically, but emotionally).
The only time I ever clean is out of guilt.
I have 2 dads and 1 father.
Some people will never know how I truly feel.
I like a lot more things in theory than things I actually like.
Even though money can't buy happiness, the more money I have, the better I feel.
this smiley face kicks ass
i feel like this a lot.

And even though all of the big things in life are still a mystery to me, I think about all of this and still drag my ass out of bed every day with a bad morning breath smile on my face.

What a world we're living in...