How is it possible to fear the thing you want the most?

I'm so close
So close I can taste it
Taste you
And it's been so long.

I've been pining
6 months I've been pining
And now I'm so close I can taste it.

It's the ninth inning and I'm finally ahead...
Will somebody please send in the closer?

I should be completely honest. But to tell you the truth, I prefer to be vague. Because the complete truth makes me dirt.

For months
Four months
I pined.
I pined for you
After you
And maybe you never knew.
But we both know you did.

Your smile
Your eyes
You left me completely dismantled
Time and time again.

Then I found someone else
And now the feeling is mutual
We are together
What do you have to say to that?

And in the midst of falling SO hard
So hard
You become single?

What the fuck do you want from me?
And why does this feel like torture?

I was happy you know
I was happy...

And now
Now

I am dirt.

She is right. I haven't put any words here in a very long time.
But I do have a reason.
If I did write what I was thinking.
It would just be a name.
And I get more tired of hearing her name than anyone.

And lately I just feel like a scuzbucket. I wish my heart didn't have selective feeling. Because I promise, when I hurt you...and I act like I don't care and you cry and I tell you to get the fuck away from my house...I really do feel it too.

Don't have serious conversations with me when I'm drunk.

It's a sordid tale...She hurt me, so now I'm hurting you and I can't have you who I really want, so now I'm talking to you...

And I wish you knew it...
I'm probably about to hurt you too...
It's over and you don't even know it.

Good day.

It's funny how you can see someone every day, but never really see them. It's like how you can talk to someone every day, but never know thier life. It kinda makes me scared for the world. It makes me realize how precious the gift of thought really is. How precious caring is. Because all our lives, we people run around like chickens with our heads cut off trying to get to a place that we never arrive at. We push people out of the way or we use them to further ourselves and then just dispose of them when our loads become to heavy. We are all running around on the surface...skimming the surface of what really matters. We never just dive right through that thin layer that divides the surface and the levels beneath and that's really quite sad. It's sad that we can aspire to be rich or be famous, but never to be known...and never to truly know.

It really sucks when you just can't be honest. Especially with your own father. But what happens when the day comes that your father finds out that his very own daughter is everything he hates? And your mother finds out that you are everything she doesn't understand?

And you cousin finds out that you are everything that she thinks is gross...and your aunt finds out that you are everything she talks shit about...

What do you do when you dissapoint everyone who loves you?